The yellow liquid

I woke up this morning, tired as hell, and with a bladder that threatened to burst.
As I stumbled out of bed and walked half blind into the bathroomm out of the corner of my eye I saw something.
I turned and saw it was just my image in the mirror, but I was sure I had seen someone else there a second before. I forget about it and line myself up with the toilet, and while revelling in the pleasure of the yellow liquid leaving my body, I see it again, out of the corner of my eye. I turn my head and see nothing, but I got goosebumps on my arms and I feel shivers running down my arms. What's going on?

Later that day I sit by my computer (SHOCK!!), and again I see something just outside of my vision. I turn around as fast as I can, but there's nothing there! What's going on? Am I going mad? NO! That can't be it!
I stop, turn back to my computer and keep playing my game. After a while it happens again, but i keep sitting still, and the image stays. I try t ofocus on it, slowly. At last I can see it. It's a syringe with a yellow liquid in it, and I recognize it! But where have I seen it before? Where? Think, think, God Damn it!!

It comes to me, like a steel pipe hitting a watermelon it crushes my train of thought. It's the syringe the veterinary use when my dear Zaba, my pure-bred German Sheperd dog.
She got sick, and the vets said they couldn't cure it. It crushed me, it destroyed me and I wanted to just fall down and cry my heart out.
I stood by the table as the vet tranquilized her, and I held her head when the vet injected her with the yellow liquid. I felt her go limp in my hands and I finally couldn't keep it in any longer. I broke down and cried and cried and I didn't want to let her go, but I had to, at long last. I can still feel her soft fur in my hands when i close my eyes, and I cansee her playfully catching the ball I threw for her. I remember when she came and laid her head on my lap when she wanted attention. But most of all I remember the love in her eyes before the vet tranquilized her. I think she knew. I thinks she somehow knew it would be the last time she saw me and wanted to show me how much she loved me.

God, I miss her. I can't stop the tears from rolling when I think about her, even though it's been years. I want her back. I'd give anything to get her back.

Zaba, my dear, sweet furball, I still love you. I hope you know, wherever you are.


I miss you <3

Don't give in

Colouring my hair, changing my style, trying to be like the others
they won't tease me then or hit me anymore.

I don't like it but I'll do it to get away from the stones they throw and the laughs directed at me

I hate their harsh words and the way they look down on me

calling me emo, goth or satanist, not understanding what is different

I used to like it but i just can't take it anymore, and so I become one in the crowd.

Don''t make the same mistake as me. Don't give in to those who do not understand

The sideline

I stand on the sideline, listening, watching
I can see your tears even though you try to hide them
I can hear the sorrow in your voice when we talk
I see the struggle within you every day, and I recognize it

Once I was like you, depressed, lonely and fucked up
I thought if I shut the people in my life out
That I could help it, that it would become better
'cause all they did was make me sadder

Now you're going through the same shit
Having dark days and darker nights, often crying
Often sad. I wish I could do something for you
But all I can do is stand on the sideline, listening, watching.

But even though I am removed from you
I hope you know you can always talk with me.
I will always do my best to help you through your dark times
I will always be there, never more than a phonecall away

Because we're friends and I love you.

This little....*thing*...is dedicated to and inspired by a good friend of mine.
Love yah!

More than you know

I was walking down this dark and empty street, singing to myself
Then I saw a shining star in a window across the street, and it was beautiful
It reminded me of the light in your eyes when you laugh
And the pure joy in your smile when we were together

In it's light I saw your face, your long flowing hair and I wept
I wept for the love long lost and the joy never to be found again
My heart was cracked already, but I could feel it break at the sight
And I knew at that moment I would never forget neither you nor what we had.

Our love was deep and profound, making us fly high
We were meant for eachother, made to be, you and me
But the world got in the way and our ways split apart
Now I never see you anymore, and it still hurts

Now I know it can never be us and I weep for it
But I also know that at least you remember me
And We remember what we had, long ago.

I wish you were mine, girl, I wish it could be us.

I still love you more than you can know

Shattered Reality

I'm a soldier fighting a war

A war inside my head where unconsciousness fights for control

Where Madness and despair is pressing hard against my sanity

I can feel the waves of sadness splashing against my sandy beaches

Tearing them up, breaking them apart

The pain from being the one who always stands as a rock in the storm

The fatigue of always being strong

They're pushing me down, weakening me day after day

Then the loneliness comes knocking and the door almost shatters

Darkness surrounds me like the walls of a cell

Imprisoning me and making me loose my confidence

I can't break out, can't getfree from this madness in me!

Let me out, let me go! 

I want to know!

What this life would be like without all these dark thoughts

All the nightmares and this loneliness that's eating me up

The Sadness always present, making me doubt myself and cry

I want to leave it all behind, but i can't!

This is my Shattered Reality

I miss you so

I remember the times we were together
I see in my head all the fun we had
The laughs and the pains
Drinking cocoa on the porch, tucked in under a blanket
Watching the stars in the dark sky, your head on my shoulder

I was mad about things I had nothing to do with
You betrayed me once but I forgave you
And we endured, our love for eachother being strong
Our friendship everlasting

When you're not close I feel empty inside
I feel weak, like a wall made of paper
But when you're near me I'm a brick wall
I can deal with anything and everything

But you're not here

I feel your shadow walking beside me every day

Your presence always close

You haunt me every minute, every hour of my life

You will never disappear

I can feel your ghost close to me 

Touching me, never leaving

I will never forget you

I can't let you go

I miss you so

Just like it used to be

Sorrow fills my bones, weakening me to the point of destruction
I feel the pain running through my veins, making me tremble
I'm thinking of you, my friend, who passed too soon

I miss you so much my stomach hurts whenever you cross my mind
I wish you would have stayed here with me in this evil world
But it proved too hard for you and you couldn't take it anymore
And so your story ended on the end of a rope in your best friends livingroom

I still remember the emotions when I saw you hanging from the ceiling
Your face purple and your eyes bloodshot
You left no note, no recording, just the three words written on your naked thigh
"I'm sorry, John."

I remember how I broke down and lay weeping and sobbing in a corner
With you in my arms, stroking your hair and kissing your forehead
Saying "Don't leave me, you can't leave me, I'm nothing without you!"

I still can't believe you left me alone in this place, this Hell
I hate you for it, yet I love you so much it hurts and I miss you so much I can't breathe

You showed me a world I didn't know, with laughter and joy, all pain hidden away
But then you left me. YOU LEFT ME!
Please, come back to me...

And in his head played a line from the song "Hate Me" by Blue october

"Just make her smile come back and shine just like it used to be"

Cracked lips

There are flashes on my pc-screen
little icons of conversations on MSN
I ignore them

My phone is ringing, friends who want to do stuff with me
Drinking, playing games, having fun.
I won't answer it

Someone's knocking on my locked door, yelling at me to let them in
They try to reach me, so the can make me go outside
I won't open it

My apartment is nice and clean, as I tidied it up a few days ago
Everything in it's plae. Everything must be perfect.
The note is on the fridge

There's someone at my window, looking in to see if I'm here
They see me. They go to the door and knock it in
They see me again

I'm sitting in my chair, my eyes closed as if sleeping
When they come near they see my white dried up skin
my half-open mouth with cracked lips
The glass on the floor with a stain of something beside it

They smell the poison all over the apartment
and they find the note on the fridge
they read it and then they start to weep
they weep not for me, but for the words on the paper

"I hate you all..."

Lost

Lost in a world of pain and hate, love and regrets,
I talk to you, my words betraying emotions I want hidden away.
I tell you my secrets without uttering a word, and you see the ruby tears running down my face,
leaving scars which will never heal.

You look at me, reading the thoughts behind my lies
Your eyes glitter in the evening light and I see the truth of who you are.
A devil inside, acting like the angel I thought you to be.
Swallowing me up in a twisted game of feelings where the prize is too high.

My heart keeps beating harder when I see you smile and I thought yours was the same.
Yet you turn away when you see me looking at you and pretend I'm not there.
The prize of the war I'm going through is the love I am able to feel for someone else.
You will kill it, I am sure, but you don't care, long as you survive.

So I stand here all alone in a world of pain and hate, sorrow and regrets.
I talk to you, my feelings hidden, my emotions under lock and key.
No secrets will you hear cross my lips and no tears will you get from me.
The scars I once had are gone now, because I am better without you.
And you will never see me again.

I am happy.

Restauranten

Han stirrer ut over folkemengden i restauranten. Så mange mennesker!
Og de skal alle til pers i kveld.
Han er nervøs. Han er en liten mann, knappe 165cm. Han har mørkt, nesten svart hår som er kortklippet, en liten bart og en liten tjafs av hår på haka. Han kunne spart seg for tjafsen på haka, tenker han, ettersom den ikke ser ut som noe annet enn noen kjønnshår som har vokst på feil sted.
Han er kraftig bygd, med brede skuldre, kraftige armer og hender og oksenakke.
Kledt hovedsaklig i svart, som hans store musikalske forbilde, Johnny Cash, sitter han der og venter på sin sjanse til å vise hva han kan. Tusenvis av tanker farer gjennom hodet hans, men mest av alt er han redd. Redd for hvilke følger det han nå skal gjøre vil få for ham senere. Hva blir konsekvensene av denne kvelden? Om utfallet blir bra så blir naturlig nok konsekvensene også bra, men går det til helvete så kan han se langt etter en ny sjanse. Feiler han vil han nok aldri få gjort noe lignende igjen. Folkene han prøver å imponere er nådeløse og ser på alle detaljer.Men han skal klare dette. Han har jo tross alt øvd og øvd, til han var sår og ikke klarte mer.

Han tenker på familien sin, kona Marie, dattera Anne og sønnen Benjamin og han ber en liten kjapp bønn for dem, selv om han ikke er kristen. Han er ikke religiøs i det hele tatt faktisk, så hva hjelper det vel å be da?
Idet han reiser seg og går for å hente sitt våpen begynner han å svette. Ikke mye, men nok til at det er plagsomt. Aldri før har han vert så nervøs. Aldri før har så mye stått på spill. Etter noe som virker som 100 år når han fram og tar et godt tak i våpenet. Han ser utover folkemengden, snur seg og ser på de finere gjestene i restauranten, tørker vekk litt svette med et lommetørkle. Han svelger en gang...to ganger...huker tak i nakken på seg selv og tenker "Skjerpings, Jonathan! Bare bli ferdig med det!!"
Så han hopper opp, river med seg våpenet sitt og setter i gang!

Dagen etter er han i alle byens aviser. Førstesiden på alle avisene. Snakk om å bli berømt over natten.
Han legger spesielt merke til den ene forsiden der det står "Jonathan Monsen - Norges beste stand-up komiker?"


JGNK
14.12.10